


[3]

by jink



Series: IF Lost [Director's Cuts] [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Mentions of overdosing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 06:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13452432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jink/pseuds/jink
Summary: Making friends in strange places.





	[3]

**Author's Note:**

> Based off an irl incident a few days ago and a visit to the aquarium.

I've been walking along the beach for a while now. I'm not sure for how long though because the pill induced daze that hangs over me makes it hard to tell how much time has passed. Wrapped in the only coat I own, wearing only a thin T-shirt underneath, some jeans and what probably looks like the only pair of shoes I've ever owned, the cool air from the approaching night starts to blow and I shiver despite my minor attempt not to. I'm sure this is the farthest I've walked along the beach when I end up reaching a dead end. A cliff with an almost sheer drop towers in front of me. I slowly look up at it, taking in it's jagged edges and sudden slopes, up to the night sky. With my ever blurring vision I take in the visible stars, twinkling. I identify a few constellationis through the blur then drop my eyes down to my old worn out, beat up shoes, then towards the ocean on my left. I slump to the ground on my knees and close my eyes. I take in the sound of the gentle waves crashing against the beach and the harsher ones running up against the jut of the cliff that runs out into the ocean. A chill runs up my spine when yet another, cooler, breeze comes up from behind me. I open my eyes and set to taking my shoes and socks off, followed by my coat, folding it and placing it neatly atop my socks and shoes. I stand up facing the ocean, mind blank, I begin to walk towards it. The freezing water at the ocean edge makes me pause for a split second before I continue to walk into it. I can feel the breeze getting stronger, threatening to topple me over as I continue my slow journey into the ocean's depths. As the wind picks up, so do the waves, making it harder to press on farther. My body is moving on its own, my mind continuing to blank every so often, I think I started swimming at some point before I completely pass out.  
Warmth laps against me and in my dream I see my mother through the eyes of an infant. I'm wrapped in a bundle of blankets and her warm arms as she rocks me to sleep. The sound of her voice singing a lullaby is as soothing as the waves I hear in the distance. I can feel my eyes getting heavy, closing slowly as she disappears from view and I start crying. It's not a dream I have often but one I always remember for how familiar it feels and one I always find myself waking up crying to. I become aware that I'm dreaming because I know the lady in my dream is not my real mother and the tenderness I feel from her is nothing like I've felt in this life, yet the familiarity of it all remains. It must be why I like spending my time near the ocean so much. The sound of the waves bringing back the faint feeling of tenderness. I feel my mind coming back to me, along with a dull pain in my back and head as I realize I'm lying on something hard and the continuous laps of warmth. I slowly open my eyes in confusion, it's dark and they burn. I try to recollect what happened and all I can recall is taking a few too many pills and descending the steps to the beach. I blink my eyes blearily, a few more tears escaping from the corners. When I try to rollover my bones protest with pain but I continue to do so anyways until I suddenly feel nothing underneath me and panic strikes like lightning until a feel a pair of hands push me back over and a mumbled, "Whoa there." I've really over done it this time haven't I, I took so much I'm hallucinating. My vision is slowly coming back to me and in the faint light I catch the view of a human face before it disappears under ripples of water. I must still be in a daze because the sight doesn't faze me, fighting off what hold sleep still has on me, I try my best to sit up feeling a warm hand press against the back of my damp shirt, helping me up. I try to mumble a thanks but my throat is so hoarse all that comes out is a puff of air that sends me into a coughing fit. Fuck! My lungs are suddenly burning and the fit causes me to realize the dull pain I feel in my head isn't very dull after all but a throbbing. My chest begins to ache as I continue to cough up what's most likely ocean water. Slowly the fit begins to seize and I realize there's a hand rubbing at my back again. Prolly belongs to the mysterious human face. I don't question its actions. "Okay?", I hear the voice from earlier ask. I give a simple nod, and though my head is still pounding and the occasional cough that racks my chest hurts, I pick up my head and try to make out my surroundings in the dim light of what is most likely from the night sky. I realize I'm in what looks like a small cove. Light from the night sky coming in from the top and that the warmth lapping against me belongs to the waves coming in from a small hole in the side of the cove that's more like a cave. I realize I've been lying on a ledge. Looking down I realize that it drops off pretty suddenly and I can't tell how deep the water is. For someone who has always had a fear of bodies of water larger than a bathtub, I can't imagine how I ended up here. I quickly move back further onto the ledge and in my haste I notice a pair of eyes bobbing just above the water staring at me from the farthest edge of the cove. Not very far at all really as I come to realize the cave or cove, whatever you wanna call it, is actually rather small. I maintain eye contact with the eyes as my brain puts together that the voice and the hands must belong to it. It, I say, because the way its eyes shine in the light of the night are like a cats and the way it bobs effortlessly in the water isn't very human like at all. "Mermaid." The one word thought brings a smile to my face. I'm not entirely sure why I jumped to that conclusion or why I'm smiling. I suppose I always hoped they kind of existed and for that to be true made me kind of happy. Though I guess it's a bit to early to smile 'cause I'm prolly either hallucinating, having a very lucid dream, or have arrived in a very strange afterlife. The smile remains on my face though as I lift up a hand to beckon it over. It seems hesitant to come near me now as I seem to be what might be completely conscious now. Reluctantly I scoot closer to the edge and try to beckon it over again. I try to put on a gentle face, but with how sleepy and groggy and completely washed up I feel, I doubt it's very appealing. However it begins to approach me slowly and cautiously, ripples following behind it. It stops a few feet away and lifts its head completely out of the water, "Hello?", it says as if it's a question. It's voice is slightly strange I notice, it sounds rough, maybe from disuse, kind of like a frog's croak. I'm sure my voice would sound the same right now, but when I try to speak only a gasp of air comes out again. It tilts its head and I make a confused face. I give up trying to speak, put on a small smile again, and nod my head towards it in greeting. I gather my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, resting my chin on my knees. I feel like I could fall asleep at any second again. To my slight surprise it moves a bit closer. "Are you sad?", it asks in its same croaky voice. It's a sudden question and I'm not sure why it's being asked or how to answer it. The answer is yes, obviously, but is it that obvious? I look down at my bare wrinkly feet wondering why it asked such a question suddenly. "You tried to die, why?", it persists with its questions. I tried to die? Sometimes I want to die, but did I try? It takes note of the confused look on my face and explains a bit more. "You were drowning. I brought you here.", it states as a matter of fact. I think back to what I assume was earlier that day, or maybe yesterday. Was that why I took all those pills? Is that why I came down to the beach? I only remember not feeling too well and taking the medicine in hopes of getting rid of those feelings, I guess I came down to the beach for peace and decided ending it all was the only way to stop the bad feelings from coming back. It's the only thing I can reason myself possibly doing. Not completely sure if those were my intentions or if I was just in such a state of delirium I almost killed myself, I go back to the first question it asked. Am I sad? I look up, point at myself and put on a sad face and nod, hoping it understands my butchered sign language. "Why?", it questions while moving closer with an incredulous look on it's face, like it's impossible that a person could be sad. I always hated being asked why I was sad, if I could pinpoint the reason I'm sure I'd try to fix it already. But I don't know why, I just am, it's just how I feel sometimes despite what I do to try and ignore the damned feeling. I could feel fine one second and then completely worthless the next for reasons I'm still unsure of. My face had become expressionless as I pondered over the question. I just shrug, and move a bit closer to the edge despite my instincts screaming not to. I'm starting to get cold but the water is still warm. The assumed mermaid doesn't move away when I move. It did manage to bring me here and in my exhaustion I guess it figured it could take me out easily if it had to, no need to worry about the puny human with an apparent death wish. It had saved me though, I wonder why, so I ask it. With all the energy I can muster up I force a "Why?" out of my worn out vocal cords. It comes out just as croaky, but louder than I expected. It turns its head in confusion, "Why?", it echoes back. I let my voice go back to a painful whisper. "Why did you save me?" I look it in the eyes and it looks at me like I just asked something dumb. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed in myself, not like that's an uncommon feeling though. "You don't want to live?" Man, does this thing only know how to speak in questions? I shake my head at it's question, wondering what it's reaction will be. Suddenly it's leaning up against the ledge on it's fin clad human like arms. I scoot back quickly at the sudden closeness. "I can kill you if you want." My eyes go wide at its sudden proclamation, that was not the response I was expecting! My back hits the wall of the cave, "I want to live!", I exclaim in a raspy voice, ignoring the stinging in my throat. Suddenly it doesn't bother me as much with what might as well be Death right in front of me. "Ah, that's good!", it responds while pulling the rest of its body up onto the ledge and smiling.  
Death is a fucking mermaid! Not much different from the pictures you usually see. Upper half like a humans and lower half like a fish. It's tail is longer than I expected, part of it still submerged in the water. Kind of reminds me of an eel the way it looks. It's not scaly but has a sheen to it, like if I were to touch it it might feel a bit slimy, or velvety, depending on what kind of person you are. It's speckled, but in the dim lighting I can't tell it's exact colors, only that the speckles are a lighter color compared to the rest of it. Wait, why am I even bothering to take note of this!? This thing just a few feet in front of me said it would kill me (if I wanted it to) and I'm sitting here simultaneously taking in its body (I know that sounds weird at the moment) while trying to merge my body with the rock wall behind me. Ugh, taking that medicine was a mistake, this delusion fucking sucks, but actually, if you think about it, a human could kill me if they wanted to, hell, even I almost killed myself! I begin to relax my body, this sudden odd thought comforting me. I could probably kill it if I wanted to. Not that I would kill what might be considered an endangered species, or maybe a species that's just really, really good at hide n'seek. While all this flies through my shit fuck mess of a brain, the creature's been sitting there patiently taking in what might have been at least maybe 22 different expressions that crossed my face. While coming down from my panic I realize my wet clothes are causing me to feel cold again. Not exactly sure what to do and having made peace with the delusion in my mind, I scoot closer to the edge again, right next to the creature, where the water laps up against the edge and lie down and close my eyes. The pounding in my head is slowly starting to dull thankfully, my mind is running at full speed now but my body still feels exhausted. I guess that's how it goes when you almost drown. I feel ripples and hear slight splashing beside me and turn my head to see the creature sliding back into the water, elbows coming to rest on the ledge and its head in its hands. It stares at me and I stare back. What should I do now? What was I doing before actually? I wonder if anyone has noticed I'm missing. I should prolly go back home but a part of me really doesn't want to go back there. I always feel the worst there and spend my excess time on the beach or walking around town. I've found I'm really good at just walking aimlessly. "Not all who wonder are lost.", I think out loud. Hmm, I zoned out again I realize and zone back in to realize we're still staring out each other. For some reason it doesn't feel awkward though. Nothing feels real at the moment, that's probably why. "Do you want to live?", I ask the creature, finding myself slowly regaining my voice. I really wish I had a bottle of some fresh cold water though. It seems to take a moment to ponder the question instead of answering immediately like I expected. "I like living.", it responds, just a like. "Living's okay, huh?" "It's okay." "Could it be better?", I ask wondering why this creature that seemed so adamant that living was a good thing thought that life was just 'okay'. "It could be better.", it responds after a pause.  
"How so?"  
"It's lonely."  
"It really is, isn't it?"  
"Are you going to die?" Again with the questions.  
"Someday.", I reply matter of fact.  
"Not today, right?"  
"Nope, not today."  
"That's good." I hum in response. I don't know what to say to that. I wonder if being a mermaid is lonely, so I ask. "I don't know.", is the response I get. That doesn't tell me shit. I ask it how it doesn't know something that should be so simple to answer. I wonder if mermaids have an instinct to form bonds with others like humans do. It explains to me that usually mermaids will stay together in relatively small groups as not to be noticed as easily. These groups usually consist of families and slowly split off when a member finds a mate. Sometimes these 'families' are made of mermaids with no blood relation to each other. It had belonged to a group like that but they had all split off to find a mate leaving the mermaid on its own. Apparently the mermaid had no interest in such things. Ah, something I could relate to. Despite the universally known rule that mermaids should stay away from the monsters called human, its curiosity brought it close to shore. Though there were many close calls, it finally find the small cove and decided to call it home. Always observing the oh so interesting monsters from a distance, it's seen many things change. Apparently mermaids age much slower than us humans, because the way it spoke made it sounded like it had lived here for decades. The mermaid also mentions how it's found the bodies of many humans who had taken their lives by jumping off the jutting cliff into the water. Mistaking me for one of those humans, it was surprised to find signs of life still in me and had brought me back to its home. I asked if I was as scary as the stories said. Shaking its head it responded, "No, but I always found these to be weird looking.", it says as it pulls at one of my toes. I lurch slightly from surprise where I'm lying and the mermaid has the audacity to laugh. It's a strange sounding laugh but I find it's contagious and I start to laugh too as I slowly sit up bringing my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them once again. "You look weird too," I start back, "but also pretty at the same time, it's strange." I don't know why I ended up say that last part, but part of me felt like it was true and it might as well know. Its smile gets bigger and it replies, "I think you are pretty too!" I laugh, "I don't think you understand what pretty really means." It makes a pouting face and practically yells, "I know what pretty things look like!" I guess strange things have their own beauty too. I continue to laugh a bit, shaking my head. "You're funny," I begin, "I like you.", I end. "I like you too!", it yells back, picking itself up on its arms to sit beside me again. I take in the slight differences between its human body and that of a normal human's body. Besides the slight fins protruding from its forearms, I notice that there are what look like gills where its ribs are. Without thinking I reach out a finger and swipe it down its side. It feels weird and slippery and suddenly my hand's being slapped away. Giggles are escaping the mermaids mouth, it's a curious sound. "No! That feels funny!" What a noisy mermaid, its voice sounds less croaky than before but it's still off. I assume it's because different vocal cords are needed to speak underwater. I move to touch its gills again but it pokes me in the side just under my armpit before I can and a laugh escapes my mouth as I bring my arms down against my sides to protect them. It continues to laugh and I laugh with it.  
After what seems like some time, I notice that the water is slowly receding from the ledge and that the sky is becoming lighter. It seems that messing around and our meandering conversations caused time to pass rather quickly. I bring this to the mermaids attention. "Ah," it's face seems to become melancholic,"you should probably return to the land." I feel a twinge of reluctance at its words but know it's right. "Before it becomes to bright, I can take you closer to the shore." Ah, that's right, I'm not exactly sure where I am, but from what I learned, this cove is located somewhere under the jutting cliff. The hole which seems to be the only entrance has become bigger as the water level has fallen. I realize I'm going to have to jump back into the depths of water and start to feel panic rise in me once again. The mermaid seems to notice my reluctance and lowering itself into the water, it extends a hand. "Don't worry, I can swim well. I have not drowned yet and I won't let you drown either, never again, okay." I smile at its words and little joke about not drowning. I grab its hand and close my eyes and hold my breath as I slide off the ledge and into the water's depths. My head goes under briefly but I resurface quickly with an arm around my back. I can fill the ripples from its tail moving by my feet. I slowly start to kick my feet to try and help keep myself a float. It doesn't seem necessary though, the arm around my back is strong, a given considering that constantly having to swim would give anyone strong arms compared to my scrawny ones. Maybe I should take up swimming to build some muscle mass and get rid of my fear of water.  
When it seems like I'm not going to panic anymore the mermaid tells me to wrap my arms around its neck. Oh boy, a mermaid piggy back ride! Not everyone can say they've done that before, though of course I don't plan on telling anyone about the mermaid living in the cove under the cliff. I feel like it would breach some unspoken trust between us. I hold on like I was told, hands gripping each wrist tightly, no way am I going to fall off, not this far out into the ocean. "Okay." I say to let the mermaid know I'm good to go. It starts off swimming slowly and I duck my head under the hole the leads into the cove. Out in the open bay I can see we're still a bit of a distance from the shore. Thankfully the sun has yet to rise over the horizon meaning not many people should be up yet. Not that many people come this far along the beach anyways. It's kind of a secluded area due to the hill of rocks you have to climb over to get to this side and the general rockiness of the beach anyways. The mermaid starts to pick up speed, I hold on tighter, a smile appears on my face despite my fears. This feels kind of fun and the ripples its long tail makes feel funny against my legs. I look back for a brief second and notice that its tail really does move like an eels. I wonder if stings like an eel too. I try to keep my legs floating above it. Before I know it though the mermaid is slowing down and our bodies slowly sink back into the water we're half way to the shore already. I look around to its face to see what's wrong. "I'm afraid I can't go farther than this. I fear a human might spot us." I nod in understanding but how am I supposed to get back to the shore. My question is answered when the mermaid asks, "Do you know how to swim properly?". Ah, so that's how. I nod reluctantly. The mermaid pulls my arms from around its neck but remains holding onto one of my arms. "You can swim back to the shore from here, right?" It's a bit of a distance but I'm pretty sure I can do it as long as I don't think about the fact that my feet are not touching the ground and maybe actually I don't know how to swim properly! Ah, panic is rising again. I start doubting myself and can feel the lurking fear of the depths starting to rise, and then I'm pulled out of my panic and into a tender embrace as all the bad thoughts melt away and I melt into the familiar feeling. Tears threaten to spill out of the corner of my eyes as I wrap my arms around the warmth. "Will I get to see you again?" My voice shakes and I'm not sure if it's from fear or sadness. "You're the only one that knows where to find me, feel free to visit anytime, my friend." My friend, I've been needing one of those, I think to myself. I release myself from the embrace and start to kick my own legs to stay afloat. Two hands come up to my face and wipe away the tears I didn't know had fallen. "No need to worry, I won't let you drown." The mermaid says before backing away slowly, nodding at me to go on ahead. I turn around and don't look back, don't stop kicking, don't stop paddling, just swim straight ahead and think of nothing else. My limbs are burning as I wash up on shore. I really need to workout, my whole body aches. I pant slightly turning around to sit on my butt, arms propping myself up. I look into the distance. The sun is just above the horizon now shining on the rippling water, my friend is nowhere in sight. I get up to find where I left my shoes, socks, and coat, when I do they're all covered in sand. I shake as much sand as I can off my coat and pull it over my drenched clothes. Carrying my shoes and socks in one hand I begin my walk home.

 

A few weeks later I find myself walking down the same isolated beach once again. This time my mind is clear and I know where I'm going. In the past few weeks I've grown confident in my swimming abilities and strength thanks to the classes I've been taking. Slowly I've gotten over my fear of large bodies of water as well, the ocean being the biggest one I need to conquer. I approach the bluff once again, looking up at the sky, it's late in the afternoon and the sky is beginning to darken. I begin to remove my clothing, revealing proper swimming attire this time, good enough to keep me warm in and out of the water. I place my clothing in a plastic bag against the cliff's edge, and a few things I want to show off go into plastic bags in a sleek waterproof backpack to reduce drag. I put the snug flippers on my feet and goggles to keep the salt water out of my eyes around my head before securing the backpack to myself. Pulling the goggles down I prepare myself for the swim back to the cove and feel the excitement of seeing a dear friend once more. I take a deep breath and exhale before stepping foot into the ocean once again.

**Author's Note:**

> Mermaids always make cool friends.


End file.
